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Charmer’s Thoughts on the Cage Part 2

About two weeks ago I wrote about my thoughts when we first started using THE CAGE….I don’t know why but for some reason it always seems like it needs a booming voice to say that.

I talked about the history of our use of THE CAGE–see, you are doing it in your head now too, aren’t you?–and opened up a whole new question set.  I said that we didn’t think anything would really change and left it there.  Since then there have been a couple of questions about what changed so I’m going to try to talk about that in some coherent way.  No promises.

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Charmer’s Thoughts on the Cage…

Life is interfering with Snake’s blogging… Being a techie nerd, when things fall apart, they tend to take the world with them.  So, he’s busy being brilliant in his real life so I thought that I would write…gasp!

Besides–since he won’t be able to make his deadline on his post, it just gives me lots of delicious opportunities to come up with alternative tasks.  Maybe a story, maybe an extra picture, maybe something completely new. Oh, the ideas running through my head.

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At the Request of Charmer….

If you follow Snake on Twitter, you might have noticed some pictures and a story that said “Per Charmer’s requirement…” and wondered why I was being so damn pushy…  I thought I might tell you what the new year holds for Snake (and me).

We are heading into our third year of our relationship reboot. (Sorry, nerd)  Our first year was exploring the D/s side of our relationship.  We did a lot of playing with restraints and toys and Snake started wearing his cage.  I’m sure that he can tell you the exact date that he ordered his first one but I would say it was January or February of 2014.

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That Feeling When She Sinks Down on Me

So, there I was.  Flat on my back, raring to go.  Charmer had that look in her eyes that she was really looking forward to being on top and I have to admit to loving it too.

I love that feeling when she sinks down on me, then just stops and lets things settle.  I look forward to it, consciously, even when we’re apart.  This time was no different.  Except that it was different.  As she lowered herself, my brain was screaming “YES!  Here it comes!”  but my body was reporting in that nothing was going on.

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Another Scrabble Challenge

Snake has been asking about another game.  We haven’t played an official one since the beginning of June so I guess it’s about time to drive him insane again…

The Scrabble tiles are back.  You remember how much he adored them the first time, right?  Scrabble is his favorite board game.  Not.  And that just makes it even more fun for me.

The last time that we did a Scrabble game, he was earning points.  We haven’t been doing the points lately so the rules have to change.   So, instead of points, we are playing for days.  To be precise, the number of days before he will be allowed an orgasm.   His beginning date is December 18th so a week from today.  He will be playing to see if he moves the date forward or backward…

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What Is It About Denial/Control Anyway?

More often than not, when I am talking with someone about all this stuff we do, the conversation comes around to why denial would be something that would OK.  Or, more accurately in our own case, “control” – neither of us are really into outright denial, but rather control and limited “release.”  [SSC:  Or rather, limits for you…]   So many times people have talked to me and as we talk through it, they just have this bewildered look on their face.

Let’s face it, commonly it’s all about the “O” (hopefully for both parties) and it’s a race to get there.  To change that up and completely manage or control, often without allowing one at a given time at all, is just a foreign concept.  Add to that that many times I will pass on the opportunity willingly – and you get some really funny comments and feedback.

“But why?  Why would you do this?”

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Two Years…

Snake and I have been talking that we are about at our two year kinkiversary.  No, we don’t have an exact date because like most other things in our life, we just decided to make a change and did it.  We’re the poster children for snap decisions–which, in most cases, turn out to be the right ones.

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Wait. What?

[SSC:  Just a warning….I was laughing so hard that I almost fell out of my chair when I was reading this.  So fair warning:  strap in…]

I don’t know if you’ve seen the movie “Inside Out” from Disney/Pixar – but if not, you may want to check it out.  (Here’s a link to the trailer for context, it’s short and important for this post) It’s hysterically funny, and at the same time, shows the conversations that happen in our respective brains as life moves forward.

I had this type of conversation happen to me with Charmer and the only way I could describe it was in terms of the movie – for future reference, the characters in my head that were involved were:

  • Fear
  • Anger
  • Joy

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Communication Gamification

I had a bit of a realization today.  Might even border on epiphany.

You always hear people *say* that chastity and FLR and these assorted things we all collectively do tend to have a generally positive impact on relationships.   As a matter of record, this has been extraordinarily true in our own case – having had a profound impact on our own lives together (for the record, for the better).

But I can’t help wondering why.  Why does putting a piece of steel around your privates, locking it down and handing over the key change a relationship, sometimes shaking it to the core?  How does that “fix” communication issues and “fix” other issues going on?*

* It doesn’t, of course, automatically fix mortally wounded relationships.  It’s been said before, but it can be a catalyst-type of event, but it doesn’t fix a broken relationship.  It can represent a change in approach, a turning point.  But if there are underlying issues, those aren’t going to go away with a padlock.   More on this here.

I think I have a clue about this – an idea of at least one significant thing that gets rolling when you do this stuff.  I suspect, depending on the type of play you get interested in, it can have a more or less profound impact, but for the sake of this post, let’s go with enforced chastity, D/s and FLR.  Yes, I realize those are huge areas, but bear with me a bit.

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TIL: Attitudinal Cycles and Subbie Head-Space

Almost makes it sound scholarly, yes?  “Attitudinal” – basically how to keep your head on straight when you have the chance to see how orgasms can impact your attitude.

My personal sweet spot is that span of time when subbie-mindset is in full swing and at the same time, I’m climbing the walls wanting to get playtime with Charmer.  [SSC:  Is there ever a time when that isn’t the case?  I don’t remember any but they say that the mind is the first thing to go.]  But I’ve come to learn too that that’s indeed impacted by those times when I’m allowed to have an orgasm, vs. those times when I’m denied.

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Continuing to Learn About Myself, Feeling a Bit Like a Puppet

It’s really strange to be “my age” and be learning big things about yourself.  Sure, no one likes to stop learning and I hope that it never happens, but to be having these pretty surprising things come up over and over again is pretty cool and remarkable.

We’re wrapping up our time in Vegas – a mini-vacation as we head into what will surely be a great time of year for us and the family, but will just as surely be a stressful one.  It’s great to get away and goof off and just relax a bit.  Hey, I even won $14.50 today on a slot machine.  Can’t complain.

You may be tired of having me write about O-control and what I learn, but this stuff, to me, is bordering on epiphany stuff.  During this time in Vegas, Charmer has been messing with me in all sorts of ways.  The first night out alone she flipped the “me, not you” switch and enforced the denial portion of our dynamic.  But something is changing and this was the first time I’d seen this in myself.

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Vegas Day 1…Can I?

Sitting here and waiting for breakfast to arrive while looking out at the Vegas strip.  This has always been one of our favorite places to visit.  When we were in college, it was only a five hour drive so we would come early Friday morning and go back on Sunday a few times a year.  Of course, that was when we stayed in the $29 per night more-than-a-little-scary motels.

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On Being Horngry

Denial and orgasm control are funny things.  With a cage, enforced chastity becomes a thing of power exchange and control.  She holds the power to grant or deny orgasms, period.  Yes, I realize it doesn’t *require* a cage, but I can tell you in times when the “game is afoot,” it sure makes things more clear.

I had a weird experience this last weekend in terms of learning to work through this whole control and power exchange thing we do.  We’d had a great day on Saturday, a lazy, relaxing evening and were just basically lounging around doing nothing in particular.  [SSC:  I was, however, sitting in a tight pair of jeans and knee-high boots that were driving him a little crazy.]   When we did retire for the evening, Charmer decided to punish me for being to suggestive throughout the day.  I was pretty surprised by this – but I couldn’t honestly tell if it was punishment, excuse or teasing.  Turns out it was more teasing than anything, but it sure worked.

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Can’t, Won’t, Don’t Wanna and Fear of the Unknown

Over at the Male Chastity Journal, Lion wrote about “Can’t and Won’t” – and specifically how enforced chastity has applied to their lives.  I thought it was really interesting to see the distinction between the two… and it got me thinking about how many things I’ve personally seen go from can’t to won’t to can to simply “yes, please.”  It’s a different view on Can’t and Won’t, but it’s just how my brain works. 🙂

While this doesn’t apply only to enforced chastity, when Charmer and I started our journey, we sheepishly stumbled into chastity and I read up all I could.  I tore through Thumper’s blog and I’m Hers and so many others.  I read and studied (sorry, it’s what I do) and tried to learn what was fantasy, what was real.  [SSC:  Yes, believe me, he did.  I think he would have done a report with citations if he thought that I would have read it. ]  I wondered if it was really possible chastity and this new approach to being a couple could really have the impact these blogs talk about.

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The Song That Kept Looping Through My Brain…

As most of you know, Snake has been caged and chaste since July 23rd.  I decided that he needed an extended period of time locked to put him back into his subby mindset.  He wrote about it here.  Since then, he has one ruined and quite a bit of playtime with me on him, but no orgasms.  The earliest date that he was going to be allowed to come was September 7th, but because of circumstances, last night was *the night*.

It started off as a pretty average Wednesday night around here.  We went to our dance lesson, which we rocked, came home and had dinner and I had a bath.  After the last two nights of being denied, I’m pretty sure that he was expecting it again last night.  Have to keep the boy guessing…

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Sub-Blocked

All day she’d been teasing me, telling me that that night she’d be exercising her Domme side, something I was really looking forward to and, since it’d been so long since we’d had time to ourselves, I was also a bit anxious about just what that would be.  We’ve recently decided to up the ante quite a lot on our D/s relationship and the FLR side as well.  Something I’ve been working through, not perfectly, but working on it.  It also lays entirely at her feet what happens, when, and at what level.

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6.5 Things You MUST Do As A Submissive

I’ve seen a whole series of articles and posts going around talking about what’s required to be a Dom(me).  Of course the articles are all about the fact that there simply is not a “one true path” to being a Dom(me) but more of a mindset that you make your own.

There is so much information “out there” that gives rules on what is, and is not, truly fulfilling that role.  From what you need to be thinking to how you are with your partners and submissive partners.  Needless to say, it’s all bunk.  The only way this can work is if you make it your own. There are infinite flavors and infinite ideas on what you may find appealing.  Need inspiration?  Everything from Fetlife to amazing writers (looking at you Domme Chronicles and so many more) that talk about so many aspects of things to think about.

But that’s not what this post is about.

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Sinful Sunday #2 – A Changing Dynamic

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So many changes in this new phase of our lives together.  The PA, the cage, our personal life reboot.  As we work to get better at “us” we have found so many excellent people, experiences and just plain fun!

 

Sinful Sunday

 

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Rising and Falling Submissive Headspace

I’m constantly amazed at how well Charmer has come to know me.  I keep thinking I’m getting a handle on managing how I present myself and she spins right around and reads me like a book.  I don’t think I’m this big mysterious person, but how she sees me and the ways she responds are on point.

Last weekend I lost my head.  There’s really no other way to put it.  A whole bunch of stuff from a whole lot of directions was capped off with surprise situation.  I came unglued a bit (!) and it made for a very bumpy few days while I tried to back pedal and make up for stupid things going on in my head.  The details aren’t important, but then in our writings this week, the question, out of the blue she asked…

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First Spanking Experience – /s/ Point of View

Charmer wrote earlier this week (link to the post) about my being a mouthy (in jest) sub and spanking.

We’ve not gotten much into impact play at all to-date (save for a few passing instances).  So this was a first.  For those of you who already have experienced this, you may be laughing by the end of this post, but I wanted to provide a look at my side of the scene, and the things that both were, and have been, going through my head.

IMG_5963About 3 weeks ago, I’d forgotten a house rule of CFNM.  Essentially, I left off the NM part.  Charmer came over, leaned down in what seemed like out of the blue and looked me square in the eye.  “5 swats.”  I didn’t even connect at first what she was talking about.  “5 swats for not getting undressed like you’re supposed to.”  My mind went into overdrive.  First, she’d never done the whole spanking thing, and here I was with an instant 5 swats.  Second, CRAP!  I forgot to get undressed.  and third, whut?!  Spanked?  I didn’t know, really, what that was like.  After the initial wave of panic, I realized that another pressure was setting in.  My cage was completely straining.  What the hell?

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Mouthy Subs and Spankings

Last week was off just enough to be annoying.  None of it huge stuff, but it just added up like life usually does.

We own our own business and our daughter works for us.  That’s a good thing for her and for us most of the time.  However, when she isn’t happy at work, she has a tendency to come to me rather than Snake.  Of course, I work from home and he is in the office.  I try to sort things out without interfering (ha!).  She wants me to talk to “Dad” and he expects her to behave like an adult and, yeah, you get the picture.  So, there was that wonderful employee/family dynamic for a couple of days.

She was also recovering from an ear infection which just added to her unhappiness.  And Snake and I were both feeling a bit of a drop from the previous weekend’s activities.  Add all of it together and things were just stressful and annoying.

Saturday night we went dancing for a little while and then came home to watch relax with wine and TV.  We watched several episodes of Sense8.  Still have no real idea of what is going on, but really like it so far.  And the rainbow-colored dildo from the first episode?  Love it!

Anyway, Snake thought he would try to be pushy about playtime and I told him that he was being mouthy.  He jokingly asked me what I was going to do about it.  Seriously?  I told him that I already owed him 5 swats with the paddle from a couple of weeks back.  (I honestly couldn’t remember what he had done, just that I owed him the 5.  Apparently it was because he didn’t undress when he came home.)   He kept giving me a hard time, and as people following me on Twitter saw, I went off to deal with a mouthy sub.

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Sex on the Terrace

On a pretty much impromptu decision, we decided we were going to have the weekend night (Friday) free and wanted to have a mini-vacation.  We picked one of our favorite spots here in town and managed to get a reservation at the very last minute for one of the rooms that is a separate, stand-alone mini-house/apartment.  It has all the features of home, a small kitchen, nice digs.  It also has our favorite feature, the terrace.

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Quick Snake Household Update

We are still alive.  Well, those of you who follow us on Twitter already know that, but for those of you who just read this… I know we haven’t updated for almost two weeks but we are still here.

We’ve been busy with work, dance and family but still have managed to fit in a couple of fun sexy times too.  The one before the long holiday weekend I am leaving for Snake.  He is working on a post which will touch on that so I don’t want to steal his thunder.

The holiday weekend was a downtime from the previous week and our daughter was here.  We went to see movies and went out to dinner with friends.  Daughter and I saw Magic Mike XXL on Sunday.  Good times were had by all… gotta love that eye candy.

The beginning of this week was a lot of dance and Snake dealing with a big work project.  Wednesday, however, I told him that he was leaving work at work that night. We had a dance lesson and then came home for some dinner and wine.  He was trying to give me a hard time — he is a cheeky sort — and I finally told him that *I* was getting laid that night.  He could choose if he wanted to be used or to enjoy it.  I think he was a little surprised at my forwardness.  🙂

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Mashup: D/s, Flirting, Getting the Stink-Eye and More

We had a pretty laid-back weekend, and, as is Charmer’s style, that meant that we also had lots of time to flirt and play.  Again, I’ve learned new things about myself.

While we were lounging around on Saturday, for example, I found out that I have a smell when I’m denied and lookin’ for love.  What?  A smell?  Talk about giving me a complex.  She was just laying on my leg and grinning and I asked about what – she let me know.  She liked the smell.  Not like it was overwhelming (she says) or anything like that, just a pleasant sweet smell.  I told her I was just pushing out pheromones to try to entice her into bed any way I could muster.

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