Can’t, Won’t, Don’t Wanna and Fear of the Unknown

Over at the Male Chastity Journal, Lion wrote about “Can’t and Won’t” – and specifically how enforced chastity has applied to their lives.  I thought it was really interesting to see the distinction between the two… and it got me thinking about how many things I’ve personally seen go from can’t to won’t to can to simply “yes, please.”  It’s a different view on Can’t and Won’t, but it’s just how my brain works. 🙂

While this doesn’t apply only to enforced chastity, when Charmer and I started our journey, we sheepishly stumbled into chastity and I read up all I could.  I tore through Thumper’s blog and I’m Hers and so many others.  I read and studied (sorry, it’s what I do) and tried to learn what was fantasy, what was real.  [SSC:  Yes, believe me, he did.  I think he would have done a report with citations if he thought that I would have read it. ]  I wondered if it was really possible chastity and this new approach to being a couple could really have the impact these blogs talk about.

When we first looked at it all – it was sort of in the light of “no way we’d ever want to do that!  Chuckle-chuckle – why would people do this??”  But we kept being drawn back to it.  I started considering it.  Charmer kept me talking about it, kept thinking it through. Kept pulling me in that direction.  She knew she want to do it, it was just convincing me, carefully. The line in the sand softened.  Could it be “all that?”  Yes.

So when we started, as Charmer and I tend to do, we went in full-bore.  But then we started seeing the differences. Things like talking more, finding out that Charmer far-preferred being in charge entirely, finding out that I really liked that.  We went from femdom stuff and talking about all of that and, again, “wow, some of this is really not something we’d want to do” and learning more and more about it.  Then FLR.

The world seemed to open and sing (what, too dramatic?) and we started exploring that.  [SSC:  Knowing us, it was probably a Broadway show tune.]  We found that it really fits how we both operate best.  We also found that, combined with D/s stuff and chastity and what we were discovering, that it was a magical combination that literally changed our lives.

Then I found the Domme Chronicles – first the books, then I dared to read the site and then virtually meet Ferns.  She was real, supportive and would talk (on Twitter).  As I read her books, you could see the caring she had for her partner, while at the same time doing wildly physical things with them.  These books struck a cord in me that I’ve never before sensed.  This crystalized in my mind as showing that it really is possible to have loving D/s relationships – and when coupled with our advancing FLR and chastity stuff… it all clicked.

Charmer has a unique ability to advance the cause in steps – just big enough to be uncomfortable, small enough to take, but challenging.  New things, new techniques, new rules, new… stuff.  She introduced the reality, not fantasy, of chastity and pushed it into full-time.  She introduced D/s and, as we moved through FLR,  she pushed that further and further into our lives.  I’m not sure she had this grand plan, but she knew what she liked, what I liked, and we just keep fighting to enhance and extend that. [SSC:  He *knows* that I don’t have a grand plan.  *laugh* ]

So, back to Can’t, Won’t, Don’t Wanna.  As we’ve played, tried new things and generally as I’ve learned to get over myself and what I’ve thought I knew about life in general and sexuality and playing in specific, Charmer has pushed and added things and found new ideas and generally shown that there is so much more.  Between us, with our talking, writing daily to each other, our blogging, Twitter, etc., we’ve learned about new things.

For me, my Can’t, Won’t, and Don’t Wanna things have nearly vaporized.  Things I thought were limits that I’ve been willing to challenge have turned out, in most cases, to be amazing and in some cases, simply dumb limits.  (She NEVER disrespects my limits, we explore and I push them.)  So I’ve learned that I’ve been wrong on so many things, that it’s better if I set the hard, absolute limits, set up our typical safe-word type things and then just go with it.  And even some of the hard, absolute limits of two years ago have become things that we embrace.

This post is all about my brain expanding in exponential ways – learning that I was flat wrong on what I thought I knew about BDSM, D/s, FLR, chastity, etc.  All of these things have shown that the dynamics of them, the interaction of them, bring amazing discoveries to our lives.

I’m learning to keep my mind open – even on things that seem to be “can’t” and allow them to be “try” instead.  I’ve learned that I’m capable of being a different person, not only in a sexual way, but in our lives. A better person – because I’m embracing can’t/won’t/fear of the unknown.

For me, the change comes when I have fewer hard limits and everything else is on the table.  If I find myself  saying no to new things over and over, or stopping because something is uncomfortable, I miss out.

Some examples for us:

  • I can’t really get to sub-space without pushing past certain resistance points.
  • Yes, it’s possible to have multiple ruined orgasms, but I have to really put up with some intense play
  • Yes, there is a headspace that comes from not having come for a while
  • Yes, there is such a thing as a anal orgasm – and there can be multiples
  • Toys are cool, even for guys
  • Pain can be good, even if that doesn’t make and sense

Why am I posting this?  Because I hope other people can learn from our experiences. We’ve found that it is important to question and re-assess our limits.  None of this happens in a flash, but if we set aside what we think we know, open ourselves up to experiencing new things (no matter what they may seem like initially) and then just experience it, we find all sorts of new things that are exciting and interesting and amazing.

4 Replies to “Can’t, Won’t, Don’t Wanna and Fear of the Unknown”

  1. Very nice post! My original post was about losing choice (the difference between “won’t” and “can’t”) and how amazingly hot “can’t” can be. Your take on how “won’t” becomes “will” strikes a chord in me. You are very lucky that Charmer is leading you by coming up with new ideas and escalating her power. Our situation isn’t that way. Mrs. Lion almost never originates stuff. I know that she and Charmer have communicated and I hope that will continue and maybe Charmer can inspire her to take the lead on escalation. I am very curious how it feels to be led deeper into submission and acceptance.

    It’s great to see how you have grown and learned. I love reading your blog and following the very exciting progress you two have made. Thanks so much for sharing.

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