I’m constantly amazed at how well Charmer has come to know me. I keep thinking I’m getting a handle on managing how I present myself and she spins right around and reads me like a book. I don’t think I’m this big mysterious person, but how she sees me and the ways she responds are on point.
Last weekend I lost my head. There’s really no other way to put it. A whole bunch of stuff from a whole lot of directions was capped off with surprise situation. I came unglued a bit (!) and it made for a very bumpy few days while I tried to back pedal and make up for stupid things going on in my head. The details aren’t important, but then in our writings this week, the question, out of the blue she asked…
How much, if any, did me letting you come on Thursday affect Friday and the weekend? I’m trying to figure out if it released some of the subbiness and affected your mood. Because, in my mind I think it did. Maybe not 100%. But a little bit at least.
I’m not one to be bratty (unless we’re goofing around) unless I just blow a situation. So it’s not like I was seeking attention. But her question really surprised me. I don’t know why, but the fact that she’d been taking the time to think it through on more than a “don’t ever do that again” basis or an outright punishment basis… well, I was caught off-guard a bit.
Now, I don’t want to suggest at all that she’s cold about her response to things. In fact, what I’m saying is exactly the opposite. She was working to understand, help me get better and move forward.
My answer was “no effect. None at all.” But then I had to think about it. I’ve started to see this ebb and flow of this mindset that does, indeed, seem to correlate with orgasms, and then the period after. I may be a weird guy, but the day after, I’m probably MORE interested in sex, but then 2-3 days later, I hit this valley that I have to be pretty aware of. After that, we’re back to a good mental space.
So, the answer was “yeah, it probably impacted things a little” (lot? who knows?) I couldn’t deny that it likely had an impact. How weird is that? But I never want to admit or talk about or address it – it’s not like I’m championing a cause here to never have an orgasm again. So how do you manage? How do you ride this sub-mindset way which I have come to crave, while not avoiding orgasms? Not in a topping from the bottom way, but in a “neither of us is looking for that particular flavor of the kink” way.
Charmer has decided we’re going to go with a longer time delay this time. She’s decided that it’s at least Labor Day (Sept 7) before we’ll be entertaining the idea of being allowed a full orgasm. That’s about 46 days or so since my last. On one hand, I will admit to an immediate calm. On the other hand, I didn’t like this a bit. On the still other hand, I have to admit that I certainly have earned it with my management of my reactions. I don’t actually think it’s being done as a punishment though, as much as someone that really knows what makes me tick and is willing to step in and make that happen.
For us, it’s about chastity, but not permanent chastity. It’s about orgasm control – she decides, period. It’s about this mindset thing that pushes all sorts of cool buttons for both of us. It’s just a smoother place to be. But now I just have to figure out how to manage it a bit I think.
I have so much to learn. I’m done analyzing and re-analyzing, but the learning, wow. I have to think there’s a happy medium somewhere. I don’t think it’s time between orgasms, I think it’s being aware and steering clear. But I’m not sure. If you have experienced this, and are up to it, it would be great to hear your thoughts and perhaps how you’ve come to address it in the comments.
7 Replies to “Rising and Falling Submissive Headspace”
I’m with you on orgasms and attitude. They DO affect my attitude, and I HATE that they affect my attitude. I have the same thought: does this mean I’m suggesting I never be allowed to orgasm? I have a further thought: am I so shallow that an orgasm affects my behavior?
For the latter question, yeah, I guess I am. Welcome to biology.
For me, the sting of denial builds, but only to a point, and then it ebbs. The day after an orgasm, I actually *like* being denied. By day 5 or so, I’m tired of being denied and I WANT an orgasm. Somewhere around double digits, apathy sets in. If I were facing 46 days, as you are, without hope, I’d be sad, sure, but more in an intellectual way than in any sort of hormonal way.
Thus, for me, I need orgasms to make the chastity pinch the way Auntie and I like it to. Perhaps what I need is the HOPE for orgasms, rather than the orgasms themselves, but I can’t have the one without the other.
So, what about the bad attitude?
In my brief foray into the top side of D/s, I realized something. You know that old saying, “This hurts me worse than it hurts you?” F*** that. I would punish her in ways that were not much fun for her, but that were waaaaaay fun for me. This resulted in my being perfectly ok with a certain level of attitude. Not constant or over the top, but so long as the incidents were relatively infrequent and relatively contained, I didn’t mind her disobedience at all.
Everybody’s different, and punishment (not “sensation play”; I want there to be transgression, chastisement, repentance, and forgiveness) being my central kink, I may be more amenable to this solution than others. However, it does work for me.
Lovely post, as always.
I get what you are saying on the biology, frustrating that I don’t have a better handle on it intellectually.
The wait is long, but time for play will still be there. It will be interesting to see the impact. Totally get what you are saying too about the days out and apathy. I tend to drop into an annoyed mental place at around 4 or 5 days, then good sub stuff sets in do 2-3+ weeks. After that it can be dicey but really depends on time for us in the mix of things during that time. With it, good mindset. Without, it’s much less pretty.
I will say that in stuff like this, Charmer seems to know me as well as or better than I do.
It’ll be interesting… 🙂
For me, there are two distinct paths, sex vs denial. Having orgasms feeds the need for more orgasms. Being able to have orgasm frequently changes my mood to a much more independent alpha state where I’m more objective and less emotionally connected to my Mrs. I exist in as satiated, not in need or dependent on emotional closeness until the urge for another orgasm regenerates.
On the other hand, denial and chastity initially frustrate my previously fueled alpha side and make me feel ignored. After ten or so days my mentality gradually shifts from feeling indignant to a heightened state of awareness of my Mrs. It’s as if my body becomes acutely aware my most meaningful sensations are dependent on pleasing her. I compulsively need to feel close to her and to touch her. Somehow the sensory dependence also connects sexually as a low grade sexual buzz of my stifled sexual outlet. I begin to fear the actual release of an orgasm despite my body’s craving for one.
From my perspective, I do expect my submissive to manage his behaviour despite his moods. By that I don’t mean he has to pretend to be happy-chirpy when he feels resentful-annoyed, but in terms of his submission, his *behaviour* towards me should be rock solid.
So he has free reign to talk about it, to express it, to ask for pets and sympathy, to be mopey and irritable, to seek extra attention or whatever he needs to lift him out of it, and I will of course see it, help if I can, and be mindful of how I interact with him. BUT, regardless, when I say ‘now do this’, I still expect him to control his behaviour, to hop to it, and not be a whiny resentful pain in the arse about it.
Recognising when your mood changes (post-orgasm or not) is the first step to managing your behaviour while in that headspace.
Thank you for your note. You’re absolutely right. Full stop.
My responses and reactions are mine, without regard to outside (or even internal) forces. I will be better.
Great post. I guess maybe I am the outlier when it comes to the “valley”. For me, I get really grumpy when I am not teased, especially when traveling. MrsL is awesome at keeping me charged up and on edge when I am on an off week or two from travel. It is when I get on the plane and head off to the destination de’jour that I start feeling less submissive and get grumpy.
So far, after an orgasm I am, mentally, recharged and instantly horny again. Granted, there is a bit of a lag for the body to physically respond.
I hope you find that true balance. We all seek it.
On one hand, I will admit to an immediate calm. On the other hand, I didn’t like this a bit. On the still other hand, I have to admit …
I have now begun to picture snake as an octopus … 😉