More often than not, when I am talking with someone about all this stuff we do, the conversation comes around to why denial would be something that would OK. Or, more accurately in our own case, “control” – neither of us are really into outright denial, but rather control and limited “release.” [SSC: Or rather, limits for you…] So many times people have talked to me and as we talk through it, they just have this bewildered look on their face.
Let’s face it, commonly it’s all about the “O” (hopefully for both parties) and it’s a race to get there. To change that up and completely manage or control, often without allowing one at a given time at all, is just a foreign concept. Add to that that many times I will pass on the opportunity willingly – and you get some really funny comments and feedback.
“But why? Why would you do this?”
For me, it’s opened completely new, extremely cool doors in our sex life. It’s much more about couple’s intimacy now, rather than the race to the O. It’s more about taking time with each other, on finding and pushing (hopefully over and over) each other’s buttons. It’s about exploration, trying this or that (or both this AND that) and taking time. It’s tough to do that sometimes when you’re running as fast as you can to the goal. I’ve found that if I set that all aside and just live in the moment and pay attention to her [SSC: And isn’t that what is important? 🙂] and the time we have, things get really interesting.
It’s sort of like Chivalrous sex. Is that odd? I mean, I open the door so she goes through first. I pull out the chair for her to sit down first. I get her car door for her. Why wouldn’t I extend that to our time together? To me, it’s the same thing. I don’t mean this in a “I’m so noble” way – I just mean that it’s really an extension of that idea for me.
It’s had a profound impact on many different areas that I didn’t expect. First, stamina, by definition, is through the roof. We can take our time, we can enjoy whatever it is we’re doing and, at the same time, we can try more complex things because we have that time.
Second, new things we’ve discovered that we both (or either of us) love – if it weren’t for the time and the available energy and lack of rush – we simply wouldn’t know about it. It sounds silly, but I have spent (and continue to spend) a LOT of time learning what makes her tick – not like in a machine kind of way, but what is good, what’s not so good. [SSC: Most times after he really will say, “Hmm…I learned something new last night.” Which is good, but a little odd.] What are the good signals, what are the bad. She’s done the same for me. It’s changed nearly everything about how we play together.
So, back to the question – why would you pass on the opportunity for an almighty “O,” Snake? [SSC: Yes, he really does pass. I’ll ask and I get a yes, followed quickly by a no… Of course, it’s still my decision and most of the time he doesn’t get a choice, anyway.] It’s a flash in the pan moment. Literally seconds. Then you fall off the cliff and reset. I’m not saying it’s a bad thing, I’m not saying every fiber in my being isn’t pulling toward that, but I am saying that it’s a decision to go there now.
She controls it. She can see when it’s a great, solid, wonderful erotic energy that runs through me all the time and when it needs to be allowed to burn off a bit. I can sense it too. In fact, generally, that state of day-to-day energy is a really helpful thing. It takes a dip if I get too many of those magical O’s. Add to that that the energy BUILDS if I pass on one or two of those and you can see, if I can have the discipline to say no every now and then, there are a lot of benefits:
- More energy to continue on playing
- More energy day-to-day
- More time for her
- Just general amazing feelings all around that get to be extended
Of course being allowed an orgasm – MAGIC too. [SSC: Yes, you do seem to enjoy those…] It is a choice though – and something that, every now and then, can be a great idea to play with. See what happens if IT doesn’t happen each and every time. It’s possible that the benefits, when managed and played with a bit, will be every bit as cool for others as they are for me. We’ve found the magic timeframe usually (not always, but usually) is between 2 and 3 weeks. How strange is that?
11 thoughts on “What Is It About Denial/Control Anyway?”
Great summary of those “feelings” of control. It is amazing what simply opening the car door or pulling MrsL’s seat out for her to sit first does for intimacy…yes…intimacy! Thanks for capturing this so perfectly!
Fantastic post, Snake! I so appreciate how you talk about your dynamic and what works for you without remotely implying that any other dynamic is less than or not “real.” 🙂
Thanks! There are so many options, combinations and ideas out there…. Makes all of these things we do so cool!
So many different options and ways to do this. Taking control of the male orgasm seems to be the common starting point. From there it diverges quite a lot. We started with orgasm control and have now moved onto trying the non-orgasm approach expoused in Karezza. At the moment it is working well for us. Entering into sex with no intent of orgasm is an interesting, but so far fulfilling experience.
That’s a good one.
When people (online, not in real life) have asked me about it, I’ve compared it to being just at the top of the roller coaster – there’s all this exciting build-up, and you just hold on to that excitement.
Great analogy! It’s hard to explain, that’s for sure. 🙂
But, you know, it’s also fun to ride the roller coaster again…and again… and again….
Brag, Brag, Brag.
Just the way that I like it. #lovebeingfemale
“More often than not, when I am talking with someone about all this stuff we do”
Maybe I misunderstood this, but are you having these conversations online or in real life? Because, I swear, my friends are so vanilla and sex-neutral that I wonder how they even had any kids.