I spent a lot of time driving over the weekend, and between music in the headphones and the road, my mind was multi-tasking and thinking about how I remember different… sessions. I realized as I thought back over these times that one thing kept coming up. Sound.
I can actually *hear* the sounds of things and that seems to stick in my head. But they’re not the things you’d imagine. It’s not really like the crack of a whip or smack of a paddle or even a grunt or other great sounds of the time.
I can hear the blood rushing through my ears when the paddle connects. I can hear the rush of the sensation rippling through me, and sure, it starts with the impact smack, but when I think about it, the sounds are what races up and down my insides.
The weird thing is that those sounds aren’t even audible. It’s me, my body, I suppose it’s how I process.
I can hear her nails go across my back – but it’s in ultra-slow motion – like I can hear every single little jump and pull at my skin. I can hear the welt raise as her nail leaves it and moves on. I can hear the heat left behind in the wake.
It’s not bad sounds either. In fact, those sounds are a big piece of what I personally crave. That seems weird to say, stranger, to admit.
When I think about it, different things have very different sounds – like the nails across my back is this guttural scraping sound. Bites are this screech that changes to a roar, then goes back to a high-pitched screech. Hickeys are more of a rushing sound and hearing the heat well up at whatever location she’s been at.
Nails on edge make this weird searing sound, followed almost by a cold zingy noise. (heh, new kink word of the day: Zingy).
Perhaps it’s just an overload of the system – it makes it impossible to process the flood of adrenaline and sensations, so my head associates sounds after the fact. But I can look back, and I can hear it, clear as day in my head.
Oddly, out of context or in another context, I’d be alarmed. On their own, most are not pleasant sounds. Some are really quite grating! Sure, I’m alarmed in the moment, yet recalling it is just the opposite. That disconnect is something I’ve found incredibly fascinating about this whole thing we do.
And, from time to time, I crave those sounds. I know that when I’m hearing those sounds, the world is very, very small, very focused and that I need to pay very close attention in the moment. I need to be locked into the instant-by-instant happenings and I want that – I crave that – I really need that at times.