Miss Pearl has been writing about the dearth of information about how, exactly, do you, as a guy, go about getting your wife or girlfriend to dominate you, to be in charge…
This is a look at how it’s come about for us…
First, our life is one of a fairly well-established FLR that is has strong F/m D/s structure around it, and at times, very strong structure. It’s evolved over 4-5 years. [Charmer: And, it had been evolving for years prior to that. We didn’t wake up one morning and do a 180…]
Disclaimer: there is no one true way. There are, indeed, guidebooks and sites and blogs and all of that, but they are the experience (or fantasies) of the writers, NOT the only way to approach this. This is OUR experience. My thoughts, her thoughts. Perhaps helpful, or food for thought. 🙂
Second of all, the title of this blog is all about getting this wrong IMHO. You don’t. You have to support them, help them, work with each other. But you can’t “get” them to dominate you out of the blue. I’d say even if you were to explore a relationship where the other person was already dominant, building out how YOUR relationship will be under their guidance is not on you. It IS on you to support that, to go with that and help mold it to what they and you need.
When I’ve talked with people about this very topic, it’s always “how do I get her to play games with me, control my orgasms, be kinky and do things to me I want…” etc. This is the wrong approach. [Charmer: I can pretty much guarantee that the “fantasy” of chastity and orgasm control and ruined orgasms and *add your own* want will not happen in lifestyle. And I am not sure Snake would choose some of the activities that I do.]
YES, what you’re interested in is important as an /s/ partner. BUT, if you’re truly looking to establish a D/s relationship, where the other person is in charge, you have to be thinking about and approaching this differently – both in expectations and attitude.
The primary thing is that if you’re loading your rules, your expectations and your kinks on this other person, and you want to make sure your stuff goes down just so… who’s really trying to be in charge?
Here’s what I would suggest for consideration. It takes time. It takes YOU willing to change. It takes your support. But start with just doing more. It’s an easier thing to make sure she’s had a backrub recently. No strings, just a backrub. [Charmer: Backrubs, mani/pedi, drawing my bath, making my coffee, doing the dishes, and things like that are some of the daily and weekly things that drive our D/s relationship.] Start with doing things for her and the paying attention. Did you get it right? Not even just sexy things – but things to help out. And, on the sexy things – have you re-explored what she’s responding to lately?
Not in a “hey, whatcha want, huh?” way, but in a super respectful, curious, learning, playful way that’s about her. Give it a try. Let her really get focused on her responses and such without having to worry so much about you, or you making sure you get yours.
Give it time, learn. Care. Explore. Play. Be open to ideas.
As time goes by, ask questions. If she has ideas or wants you to do X or Y, the important thing is, just do it. Support her. After a bit, she’s likely to see that you’re changing before her eyes. Oftentimes you can sense when she acknowledges it – and you can talk to her about it. Just don’t demand anything at all. Just ask how you can help – sexy time, house time, whatever.
Domination is about confidence and trust and all of that. But if you demand what you thought this was going to be all about, if you make it be what you fantasized about, she’ll try to go down that path for a bit, but it’s not her being dominant. [Charmer: And it totally ruins the vibe. Sending me sexy ideas? That’s fun. It feeds my fire. Telling me what you want and complaining when you don’t get it? Forget it. Zero energy.] It’s you topping from the bottom.
Your domme is in charge. They call the shots. You’ll get it wrong, they’ll get it wrong, you support each other and grow and move on. But when they make a call, you do the thing. You talk to them about what would make it better. Do this for a bit. And listen. You have to help them understand that it’s for real, you have to help yourself understand that it’s for real.
This applies if you’re interested in a lifestyle-type D/s relationship or a bedroom-based relationship. You both have to accept the role and know that the other person is on-board with it, is interested in exploring it. That the driver is driving and the passenger is there for support.
I’ve talked to so many people (and yes, I’ve had these thoughts too) that look back after things get established for awhile and the will say “it’s nothing like I thought it would be, but it’s so much better than I imagined it could be.” There will always be rough patches – always. But you can work through them.
Worst case, you have some fun and explore some kinks for both of you. There’s nothing bad to that! You may also find out that you want to expand on your structure – and each iteration, I honestly believe, starts with taking a step back and learning what the Dominant partner wants to tweak, and just doing it, NOT figuring out how to implement what the /s/ partner is fantasizing about.
[Charmer: And I think Snake might agree that the more he gives without expecting x, y and z, the more he gets that drives his /s side. Maybe even his masochist side.]
No one in charge is going to ignore the needs of a submissive in a relationship-based situation (unless that’s what you want!) – As confidence grows, so does the structure of the relationship and it can lead to all new, meaningful, fun, healthy, exciting, uproariously sexy times.