Snake and I have been having this long winded discussion about whether we are doing control or denial. This, of course, means that we have to actually figure out what we mean by those two words….
This all started last week when Thumper posted his May metrics. We, being the nerds that we are, also have spreadsheets and ratios and all of that. Thumper said that he was at 11 for the year so I had to check our stats. Snake is at 6.
We have always said that we are about control and not denial. Where is that line, though? If it doesn’t happen once every x days, is it denial? If the dates are based on games and he pushes out my chosen date, does that push it to denial? If he is supposed to come today but life interferes and it doesn’t happen for two days, is that denial?
To me, the two terms are really closely tied. I deny him when I say no or I set a date that will be the earliest possible time. I control when and how he comes. But that doesn’t mean that I think that I am practicing denial when I do know that eventually it will happen. And, of course, I go round and round in my head with the two ideas.
I keep coming back to the control as the most important piece because of our D/s dynamic. I control him by either denying or allowing him an orgasm. The denial is a component of the control. The control is also sometimes an excess. A lot of ruined orgasms or a lot of edging can be part of the play without an orgasm. If we use an actual full orgasm as the determining factor, he is denied the vast majority of the time. Because of my control….
In our personal blog, Snake wrote this today. It will give you an idea of where he is since I’ve already described my thoughts in a completely confusing way 🙂
You asked earlier in the week about denial vs. control. I’ve thought about it ever since, because it think it comes down to a sense, or attitude or … something. I am having trouble describing the difference. I don’t know if it’s wait times or an emphasis on wait times or just perception (you mentioned you’d typically had a date-ish in mind, just not shared it). I know we’ve always talked about being about control, not denial (we’ve both posted about it and made comments to that end), so clearly there is a difference in our minds, but I’m having trouble describing the difference.
SO, even though you brought it up earlier, and even though I have been thinking it through, I’m not really any closer to defining it. But I think in your mind there is a difference, and in my mind there’s a difference. I do feel like we’re shifting more to denial and from control, but again that could be because of dates known to me at this moment.
So, what are our stats? We are in the second year of tracking and the beginning date of the second year was January 28th. So, since then I have had 367 orgasms, which averages out to 2 3/4 per day. He has had 6, which averages out to one every 22 1/3 days. Our current ration is 61:1. So, does that equal denial? Or is it control?
We’d love to hear what everyone else thinks and how you judge the two terms…Please.