About two weeks ago I wrote about my thoughts when we first started using THE CAGE….I don’t know why but for some reason it always seems like it needs a booming voice to say that.
I talked about the history of our use of THE CAGE–see, you are doing it in your head now too, aren’t you?–and opened up a whole new question set. I said that we didn’t think anything would really change and left it there. Since then there have been a couple of questions about what changed so I’m going to try to talk about that in some coherent way. No promises.
First of all I should say that we, and especially I, are not big on trying to turn the sparkly, Domme-y, subby, aprons and crops pictures into our daily life. Don’t get me wrong–we both have Tumblr accounts and know how to use them. But THE CAGE, now I can’t stop doing that, was more intended initially for play, not to *live the fantasy.*
So, what changed in our relationship when it was added? It started as a power exchange. It wasn’t a case of Snake no longer running into the bathroom to masturbate. It was a case of him not assuming that he was going to be unlocked when we played. It was him not assuming that he was going to be allowed to come when we had sex. Very subtle at first and little baby steps. Denial was rare but it started, I can’t believe I’m saying this, the ball rolling.
Even with my strong dominant personality, I still struggled at the beginning. We’ve always had a reciprocal sex life so telling him *no* felt mean. But, each time I denied him, we both settled more into our roles. I would feel stronger in my dominance and be willing to try more. I could feel his submission growing with each time. It really was the catalyst that brought our D/s dynamic to life.
If we travel or there is some other reason why he can’t wear THE CAGE, now it’s just getting silly, we falter a little. He feels off. I feel off. We tend to squabble at each other for nonsense. It really is a physical manifestation of our dynamic. We have to work harder to keep it going and on track when it’s gone for some reason.
So, this pretty easily flows into the second question that we had. Since this is a big commitment to chastity 24/7/365, what made this stick? Really, it is the fact that it keeps feeding the D/s dynamic. We play with different wait times and have played several chastity games. Each one pushes his subby buttons and make him work to please me in the challenges. I try to push him beyond his comfort zone.
For us, the point of THE CAGE has always been control–orgasm control, certainly, but also relationship control. It all fits together in a way that keeps us happy and moving forward. We are both adrenaline junkies and tend to push limits. And once that one is broken through, we are looking for the next one. We are rarely content with the status quo and it is a daily reminder of our journey. Both where we have come from and where we still want to go.
Part two of that question was whether we had tried other things but didn’t commit in the same way. I asked Snake for help because I can’t think of anything. There have been things that we tried and didn’t like. When we do discipline it isn’t a weekly or monthly thing. I tend to change things up depending on my mood.
I am not a planner when it comes to play. At all. Snake is nodding his head vigorously while he’s reading this. I used the TENS last weekend but it might be months or days until I get in the mood again. Impact play can be any number of things depending on my mood. Sounding is another thing that we have done intermittently but we liked it.
So, I guess the long answer is that we really haven’t found anything that would fit in that category. Our commitment is to continue to explore our fantasies. I can’t even put it more concretely than that because it changes. Where we are today is miles beyond where we would have imagined two years ago. Each time that we try new things it opens up more ideas and questions. What about that? Have you seen this?
THE CAGE has really become part of *us.* Snake may wear it but it truly epitomizes what we truly are together. It is like his collar–it shows our commitment to continuing to talk and explore and push our boundaries.
Did I answer the questions? Or did I end up opening up another can of worms by saying something and not explaining it? I’m a pro at that…. 🙂
14 thoughts on “Charmer’s Thoughts on the Cage Part 2”
“I am not a planner when it comes to play. At all. Snake is nodding his head vigorously while he’s reading this. I used the TENS last weekend but it might be months or days until I get in the mood again.”
OMG, I’m married to your sister.
She has brought refusal to plan to a new, extraordinary art form. 🙂 She always wants all options and she’ll decide in the moment. It’s pretty cool usually.
See, the thing that I can’t understand is how some people will do something, enjoy it immensely, and then not want to try it again for months – or longer.
Easy…shiny new objects. Oh, look! A squirrel!
Right, Tom? Geez. These people. 😛
LOL…it’s all in the handbook.
Well you answered my question about THE CAGE and what changed! And not to be greedy (who I am kidding) but you made a comment on Twitter today that before 2 years ago sex was not often for you as well as some others who were in the convo….so now my question is how long was sex missing and is this the change that brought it back? I think that the dry spell for long term couples is not often discussed and this could lead others to good starting points. Feel free to point me to any posts that cover this or ignore me, lol!! And as always, thanks for sharing!! 🤓
We’ve briefly talked about it in posts about other things. I could write about that and answer your questions. And, please, keep them coming. Sorry, *snort.* Seriously I have a really hard time figuring out what to write when left to my own devices.
Having an indecisiveness to playing one way or another and recognizing that while you may love to do something but want to contInue exploring and finding new things is, in my opinion, incredibly wise.
There’s a quote I like, and I think it could apply here: “Adventure may hurt you but monotony will kill you.”
I’ve never felt that you two were anything but adventurous and I can’t wait to find out where it takes you two, and us – your readers – next!
You are very wise, my friend. We were very monotonous for a long time but no longer. The thrill of what adventures still await us are what keep us going forward. 🙂
This is the hardest thing for me to adapt to right now. I love certain things but MrsL is now in exploration mode so she is trying new and different things on me all of the time. I am learning to let go and let her truly be in charge. Her rule of “never telling her what to do when we play” has bitten me several times in the past year…not so much in the last couple of months though….so I am getting there.
Being in the opposite position I can’t imagine it. I love being in charge and I love getting to explore new things and pull out old things that he may have forgotten about. The trust that we are given (me and MrsL) is such a gift that you give to us.