What Makes FLR Work?

FLR (Female-Led Relationship, or FLM Female-Led Marriage) is essentially a power exchange arrangement.  I have thought a lot (probably too much) about why this is cool, why it pushes buttons for people, what they get out of it, etc.

Aside from the power trip of being in charge, why is this associated with sexual control too?  I realize that most FLR sites are going to tell you that FLR isn’t about sexual stuff. It’s about being in charge, being in control, etc.  But the fact is, many guys crave it.  Many relationships thrive with it.  Have you thought about why?

I think it comes back to communication and feeding the “interest and desire” loop.  At its core, these things that we do revolve around communication.  Negotiated limits, trying new things, exploring ideas, surprising your partner with this or that toy or technique or whatever.  It’s about talking and exploring together.  I think what I get out of it a lot is knowing that she is as involved as I am.  It’s FANTASTIC to know that she’s not only interested, but interested enough to drive the show, to play the games, to do the things that show me she’s in control and she wants to be involved.

So many relationships drop into a comfort zone.  I’ve actually talked with other guys that don’t have much exposure to the “wild monkey dance” any more because they just don’t bring it up.  They figure they’ve been together for long enough that they’ve done what they will and they don’t want to bother the other person.  Usually, that’s followed up with “…and I think my partner feels pretty much the same way, because they don’t bring it up either.”


I think this is a deadly feedback loop.  I don’t want to bother you, so I don’t bring things up.  You don’t want to bother me, so you don’t bring things up to me.  It’s a death spiral if it’s not changed.

This is, I think, where so much of what we do in this lifestyle shines. It re-introduces the whole conversations around “hey, I saw this blog and they were talking about these things – chastity cages – pretty wild, huh?”  And the conversation begins.  When each party knows the other is plugged in, things can expand and experiment and have all sorts of fun.  Doesn’t even have to be sexual fun, just the fact that you’re both actively engaged.

The way I think this comes back to FLR is that it introduces the dynamic that, if she embraces it and likes it, shows that she’s thinking about and engaged in things.  She’s as interested in changing things around, in owning aspects of our life, in assigning things to me, in working on things, as I am.  She’s thinking about it.  She’s interested.  It’s very visible.  I think it’s probably quite sexually oriented in terms of how most people start (FLR in the bedroom – she makes the choices and you make sure those choices are upheld and provided for).  But since the foundation likely starts there, or is at least vaguely related to that area of our lives, I think what happens as the relationship evolves into other areas is that it continues pushing those buttons on the normal, everyday things.

I came to this realization today.

We’re pretty deep in our FLR.  We are working to make it much more concrete.  I’m one to try to do all I can around the house, but I also get a little jolt when I’m asked to take care of something and it’s more of a “please do this” than a ” can you please do this…” type thing.  I was wondering why I got that good jolt.

Our approach to FLR did indeed start in the bedroom, but it’s brought the sexual side of things into our every day lives.  For us, FLR has morphed to included not only “life” things but sex things.  Orgasm control is a huge thing – quite simply, she decides, if, when and how for me.  Teasing the rest of the time is up to her as well.  She’s taken it on herself to make sure I’m quite aware of her control and that she’s exerting it.  There are days when I can’t really brush my teeth even without her “reminding” me with grabs or even outright edging while telling me I have to keep brushing while doing so.  It’s all a part of the control, part of her being in charge, but then infused with D/s and other control.   And it works.  Lots of those jolts going in both directions.

The draw of FLR is very strong and can be a huge benefit.  For me, I think it’s because it shows she’s engaged, that we’re both pulling on this relationship.  She had to think about asking differently, about having me do something.  Just knowing that doesn’t really “sexualize” taking out the garbage, but it sure does extend the straight-up bedroom FLR into your other life, and it brings that jolt of awareness that you’re both pulling on the same changes and that you’re both fully engaged too.

  • She had to think to ask me to do it (unless I guessed at doing it first)
  • I had to respond appropriately – it shows I’m “in it” too

I think these work together to stoke the fires of the relationship for both people.  So FLR brings the D/s dynamic into the rest of our lives.  Sure, we still share thinking through situations, still work through things that happen in life.  But she has the final say.  When she takes those reins, the jolt is there… for both of us.  It’s like a constant stoking of the fire.

Another very small example.  When she has her baths that she’s written about before, she leaves behind the towel, the glass, kindle, etc.  She’s not a slob.  In fact, I know for a fact that it’s hard for her to just walk away.  But I asked her to let me take care of it.  It takes effort on her part to just luxuriate in the bath and walk away – letting me know when she’s done.  It shows me she’s engaged.  It takes effort on my part to reset the bath area – that shows that I’m engaged.

FLR keeps you engaged and keeps those wonderful little confirmation jolts flowing.

This is why I think FLR is something that some people really like.  It is an ever-present reminder of your teamwork.

3 Replies to “What Makes FLR Work?”

  1. Hell yes! And you know, I don’t think I’ve ever seen the difference explained that way. So many of my own friends (still in their mid to late 20s) don’t have particularly sexually active marriages, and I never really understood why. But the way you explained this makes so much sense!

    It’s a pretty fundamental part of my marriage, that we introduce new ideas, talk about new fantasies, show each other new blogs or stories or videos. My friends don’t talk about sex much in their marriages. Even when they’re dissatisfied, or their husbands are dissatisfied, they just don’t really talk about it. There just isn’t that level of engagement. And, while I’ve always been big on the whole “to each their own” thing, I’ve always kind of felt sorry for them, and I have often wondered if that’s just something vanilla marriages are doomed to suffer from.

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