The line between want and need is blurry at best. Most of the time I think the line wanders between the two and sometimes they are the same thing.
In fact, I’d say, at least for me, the idea of separating wants and needs in D/s is almost impossible.
I need to feel safe with my partner. Not only physically, but emotionally. I need a person who will be there even when it isn’t convenient or easy. But I would never want to make someone else feel unsafe sharing with me, either.
I need a connection with my partner. But I also want that connection because it makes all of the fun times more fun. I’d never want to play with a random stranger who I had no connection with because it would feel fake. I need that to feel attracted to someone.
But that’s my need/want and certainly not universal by any stretch.
I need to trust any partners. But I want to be trusted as well. I want the free flow that comes with that level of trust.
I need chemistry with a partner. I also want that rush. Lust is great, but it needs to be fed and without chemistry, it falls flat.
I guess within our dynamic, the needs are just there. The connection, trust and chemistry flow through our relationship. Of course, there are always times when these items are hard to find. None of us live in a bubble where arguments and life don’t interfere.
The wants, for me, flow from the needs. Specific kinks are there. Are they needs? Maybe, in a stretch. Would we still be together without those kinks and still have a good relationship. Probably.
It would definitely be different, though. Part of the D/s dynamic requires communication in a way that is more than without it. It requires planning that vanilla sex doesn’t.
But there’s also a side of wants that can be tricky or even dangerous. I don’t think it is even remotely tied to TTWD. It’s the “grass is always greener,” syndrome that is even more apparent on social media.
It’s easy to form a quick connection and want more. It’s just as likely, though, that that connection is short-lived or even fake. It’s easy to keep pushing the envelope to do more. It’s also important to keep perspective and dynamic in mind while pushing that envelope. It’s all out there in the world and visible and enticing. And sometimes that is good because it opens doors.
It can also mean that you walk away from what you already have that is good.
“Never let the things you want make you forget the things you have.”Sanchita Pandey
It’s a delicate balance. Wanting more, within limits, is pretty common. It pushes us to be better versions of ourselves to reach goals.
I got into an exchange on Twitter about want vs. need in terms of people. The fact that women are socialized to a large degree to “need” men. And that men are socialized to be “needed” in a cishet relationship.
I, for one, would definitely prefer to be wanted than needed. Needed always feels so very utilitarian to me and, basically, disposable when the need is fulfilled, particularly in any kind of sexual or romantic situation.
Want seems to be choosing the person for who the person is rather than what they can provide.
Of course, your mileage may vary, but those are Charmer’s thoughts for the day.
We push all of the time between the two of us. “Have you seen this?” “What do you think of this?” “Do you want to try this?” It keeps things fresh and fun. The wants build on the needs that we share. And it’s really nice to have that balance as well as the intertwining of those two ideas. When it all comes down to it, the needs are foundational, but the wants make it beautiful.
7 thoughts on “C is for Connected”
It seems to me that needs are something necessary and utilitarian, like the need to satisfy hunger. And desire, something more sublime. What may not be, but what you want to strive for.
Love the piece on keeping perspective whilst pushing the boundaries. So easy to lose sight of what you have already.
I really think you have hit the nail on the head here with wants and needs being inseparable in D/s. That makes a lot of sense to me and I can really relate to the way you have written about it here. Thank you 🙂
I agree with you about rather being wanted than needed, and also agree that wants and needs in a D/ relationship is inseparable. Loved reading your thoughts here.
~ Marie xox
Relationships D / s require constant additional communication, moreover, they create a whole broad topic for communication.
In ordinary couples, where there is no D / s relationship, there is no such topic either. Moreover, I know couples in which people hardly communicate with each other.
I sometimes wonder what would happen to their relationship and their communication if they practiced D / s. Perhaps it would even allow some marriages to be preserved.