We’ve not received the volume of negative comments that others do, for that, I’m not at all unhappy. But we did receive one the other day that actually had me thinking.
In essence, (paraphrased) “What makes you so special? FLR and D/s and these things all of you write about don’t make you better than (me) and I’m sick of reading about it. People without this aren’t less happy, less sexy, less (fill in the blank)… Stop dictating how people should live!”
In essence, SHUT UP ABOUT IT.
Well, first, why are you here? I mean, why subject yourself to reading stuff that bugs you so? Just askin. And, my standard disclaimer (which also baffles me with the last portion of the above):
What works for us, may not work for you. It may in pieces, in whole, or not at all, and what works for you is awesome, cool and wonderful. Things we write about are opinions. Our opinions. It’s totally cool if you don’t share them. We relay our experiences alone, and do not pretend that there is any single “one true path” – your mileage may vary. Some restrictions apply.
But second, I really started wondering what it is about D/s and all of this that we like to talk about, what is it that makes it exciting, seemingly relationship building/changing/enabling/growing. *IS* there something about all of this that is different, interesting, worth all of the hullabaloo?
I think so, yes.
It’s not to say that that bowling hobby you enjoy with your partner isn’t a big boon to your relationship. Or hiking, or skydiving or bungee jumping or swimming or whatever. All of that is good and valuable and helps grow common interests and all of that.
I think, though, that the types of things in this community get so interesting because of a few different things.
It takes all parties acknowledging a desire to do some new things, to change, to inject the energy, learning, open mindedness, and interest into what’s fun, what’s not, what’s interesting. That common path, and then merging what people think of options (remember the periodic table of kinks? Yeah. Lots of paths to consider and explore or discount) along the way to make it your own.
Any type of partnership – marriage, partner, poly, mono, whatever – has to change and morph over time. If it doesn’t, it can (but won’t necessarily, geesh) have a harder time of things. That change, and reacting to it, working through it, can really make partnership strong. That shared learning of new ideas, sharing experiences, doing new things is exciting! It’s wonderful to share it with each other.
Like going to a new place, or doing a new thing, or tweaking something you already know you love doing – exploration is encouraged in all of this space – it’s a fundamental aspect of all of this – in any direction you want to take it. That exporation gives common ground between you, draws you closer (just like going somewhere new to visit builds common memories).
That is a foundation of shared lives, experiences and goals. There’s nothing different in this space – whether it be chastity or flr or D/s or any of the 10,123 different variations (last count) – that exploration of things you like and don’t like as much, is a wonderful thing. And… there is MUCH to explore.
Intimacy, adrenaline and all those body chemicals are a big part of this, which re-enforces it all at an animal level, along with other great visceral feelings and experiences that you can push and tweak and play with.
Anyone reading here knows trust is huge part of all of this. From what we do to what ANYONE else is doing. Consent anyone? It’s huge. It’s key.
- Trust that the person is trustworthy.
- Trust to try new things.
- Trust to stop, continue, modify if needed.
I mean, without trust, this whole thing gets really, really dicey. If you’re going to experiment with any type of being restrained, do you really want to do that without trust between the players? Didn’t think so.
But that trust enhances the whole situation between the parties. You have to give yourself to them. They have to accept that responsibility. You have to honor the trust back to them. Trust is one of the bedrock foundations of relationships and to participate in this whole thing, you best have it in spades, or reconsider carefully whether this is something you should be involved in with that particular party.
Sexy Time (duh!)
I mean, seriously. Do I need to explain this? Learn new things, make you, others feel great, have fun, lather, rinse, repeat.
Where Else Can You Find This?
I’m sure people could come up with things. Perhaps rock climbing injects a lot of that – belaying someone down the mountainside is a pretty trusting thing to be part of, on both sides.
So, no. We’re not experts. We’re sharing things we’ve found, we’re excited about our own experiences. We have fun hearing about so many other people’s experiences and ideas and thoughts and all of that.
I totally understand if it’s not your cup of tea.