Sometimes I swear it’s the little cues that are the hardest to manage. They tell the most, while at the same time being the most difficult to learn. Laughter is one of those at times…

For me, I deal with stress with laughter. But not the “work” type of stress (I mean, can you imagine, “That deadline was YESTERDAY!” ME: “HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA”. Yeah, no.)

No, the kind of anticipation-stress, or lack of control stress. The kind of thing that makes up an interesting D/s dynamic, particularly in play time. The thing is though, for Charmer, me laughing at a potential situation is a bit of a no-go zone. We can be out, something stressful is going down that we’re working through and I’ll crack a joke… ease the tension, I say. But then I get the look. And then I laugh at the look. And that second laugh? Yeah, not a good idea. That’s when I know I’ll be paying later.

I love spontaneous, feels good, “oops” but that was fun laughter. I love nervous laughter when considering a new idea or recuperating and asking for more. It’s really a whole lot of communication in and of itself!

But in playtime, laughter is hot. It’s real. It pulls you together and gives you cues about where the other person is. There’s frustrated laughter (“OMG I was so close! Why did you MOVE?!?”) and satiated laughter (think giggling uncontrollably without realizing it) and then there is the sinister laughter from her, usually directed at me. Which makes me laugh. Until I realize that’s a bad idea.

Then I stop.

And it’s too late.

Sometimes, I just can’t be taught quickly enough.

And there are times, too, when I laugh in response to pain. Though sometimes I almost think it’s not out loud, but rather in my head, processing that hot, stingy, sharp, biting pain of the moment. I laugh a little to myself. It’s a bit of an “I got this” type of moment – that I can make it through and be and do what I am needed to be and do in the moment.

The problem with this last one is that somehow, some way, Charmer has come to recognize this. I assume it’s an expression, or noise or some combination of things, but she’ll recognize it happening. Realize I’ve found a foothold.

And she’ll immediately set out to push right on past that foothold, looking to shake the moment free, to move that line that I had so carefully constructed. And that’s the precise moment things get real and things go to new levels. It’s strange in the moment. I hear me laughing to myself in my head, just before I realize she’s changing and re-arranging the scene to get that control away from me.

Perhaps some day I’ll get away with it. But it hasn’t happened in several years, so I’m not holding my breath.


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