It’s been an interesting time around the Snake den. Some good, some challenging, you know, like normal life. But I’m one to look back after the fact and try to dissect the good and the bad, try to understand it. It’s my little present to Charmer, just to do my best to drive her a little nuts.
I’m learning. A lot. I’m learning that I have so much to grow into on the /s/ side of things. I ‘m learning about the impact of small, tiny, eensy-weensy things that add up to mixed signals and weird outcomes. Little missed cues, things like that. Oh, and yes, the dreaded (cue the big booming voice) topping from the bottom.
It’s funny what a little distance from a situation, along with lots of data points (sorry, I’m a nerd) can tell you if you get objective about what you’re looking at.
Ever since we went more full-bore into the D/s side of things, and particularly into our stricter implementation of FLR, I’ve had this thing I do. Something will happen. Doesn’t matter what. Then I’ll try to explain why I did whatever it was, why whatever happened, happened. And it’s just SO DAMN IMPORTANT that I make sure she understand why it happened, why I was at least not wrong in my actions or words or whatever, if not technically correct.
I don’t go into it wanting to suggest that she’s wrong – that’s not the idea. It’s just to show why I have done “X” and why that’s a perfectly reasonable thing to have done “X,” even if the outcome wasn’t what she wanted.
But, see, that’s not right. In fact, it’s wrong. It flies in the face of all of this. It’s trying to say “doesn’t matter what you thought, or experienced or what happened to you, I wanted to do “X” so that makes it OK.” In D/s parlance, it’s topping from the bottom like nobody’s business.
That’s a bitter pill to swallow. And frankly it’s taken me a long time to even see it, let alone get my head wrapped around it. And now, I am going to own it and correct it.
Every time one of these things happens, she tries to explain (rather nicely) how I wasn’t doing what she wanted, but then I’d interject with the old, “here’s why I did that…” but really… REALLY… it doesn’t matter. It wasn’t what was needed. It wasn’t want we’ve said we’re going to be doing.
I’ve learned that the whole D/s thing and FLR (I need a better all-compassing term for this, perhaps it’s D/sFLR or something), doesn’t work “half-in.” It’s really an all-in thing, at least for us. For us, if it’s not all-in, she hesitates. She has to figure out “well, does THIS fall under that or is it separate? What about this…?” and then it all deteriorates to nothingness of any real substance.
She has to be able to run it all (ALL) her way and I need to learn how to support that. When this is flowing correctly and things are happening right, it’s magic. The power and energy that flows through our relationship is simply staggering. But it needs to be respected and there even when it’s harder to be there.
I recently asked her “What about if we’re talking about something and I want to explain … do you get to just shut that off?” I asked because I expected her to say “Nope, I want to hear your side…” but instead, the answer was simply “Yes.”
Now she’s very quick to add that she will ALWAYS want to know my thoughts and I’ll always have input to things when she needs it. But it may need to be later because of things going on or because of a situation. She needs to know that she can simply stop the discussion at that point and we move on.
Know what? She’s right. That’s our dynamic. It’s not unfair. It’s not anything bad. It’s the dynamic that works for us. Or can if we let it.
I even found that I was hedging my bets when I suggested that I change this or that. I was always using the language “I’ll do my best to … ” or “I’ll try and…” I call BS. We all know the Yoda saying. I will stop making excuses. Stop giving myself the out of “I’m trying…” That’s just not good enough. Burn the boats, I will grow, I will be more. Period. Sure, I have work to do. But enough with the wiffle-waffle crap and not taking full responsibility for my part. If I screw up, no matter if my intentions were otherwise, there should, IMHO, be a price to pay, not an excuse to be explained. *
*We’re not irrational here. Life happens. If I’m away on business, the garbage may not get taken out. I hope that rationality without it becoming excuses is understood to be the rule here. “I’m tired because I had a long day” doesn’t count.
I think a D/sFLR dynamic can be extraordinarily effective and fulfilling for all that want to go that direction. But I think a half-baked D/sFLR dynamic, one with exceptions or hold-outs is really quite difficult to maintain and grow.
I may be a little slow on the uptake, but I like to think I’m becoming a better student of the things I need to be doing to live in this dynamic and to support her choices and enhance it.
Some references I’ve found really helpful are the I’m Hers site and very recent posts (and comments):
and Domina Jen’s post about what Submissive Men mean to her, provides some great things that I aspire to be for Charmer:
Like any relationship, D/sFLR requires attention and thoughtful changes, but the energy and power it brings to us as a couple, and the things we discover along the way are amazing and more (much more) than worth the effort.
9 Replies to “Submission, D/s FLR, Getting it “Right””
A couple of people have asked recently about how much input Snake has into choices and if I just make decisions without ever consulting him. Just shut him down whenever he opens his mouth. Of course—not. 🙂
All of this D/s and FLR dynamic exist as part of our marriage. It might seem like we don’t talk and I just dictate but that has never been us. Snake is mostly referencing the disagreements or misunderstandings where things start to just go in circles. On a day-to-day basis, we talk and his opinion is always important to me.
If you have questions about how we run things, definitely ask. We are still figuring all of this out and probably will be for the rest of our life. There is no way to plan and “contract” for every eventuality. We are working towards the same goal, but sometimes, in any life, things need adjustments and resetting.
Thank you both for these thoughts.
There is so much in this that I can relate to and many of my experiences mirror those that you have outlined. In doing my meditative practice I’ve come across the concept of ‘surrendering’. I struggle to explain it – here’s a link that sort of does – http://www.wildmind.org/blogs/on-practice/the-wisdom-of-surrender
I see parallels in this concept to the FLR journey. I think we are ultimately seeking to find that surrender to our dominant partner. It’s not specifically subservient or giving up or giving in, it’s so much more about the acceptance of how things naturally need to be. It becomes a given, the nirvana. I like to think that this is the journey we are on.
Interesting post. Thanks for sharing it. 🙂
This so eloquently illustrates such a common thing that so many people experience. I’m making my husband read this. So well written.
Thank you, I’m glad you liked it. And thank you for your post(s)!
Thank you for this , it’s given me food for thought too. We are finding our way – made harder until our new place comes together – as D/s and I think sometimes I fall into this trap ‘but I did x or y…’ And I think the tell tale sign for is the word ‘but…’ ‘But this or but that …’ And I need to stop it too.
Such a well written post! We struggle with this as well. As I did a week or so back after a great post by DualDrew, I may borrow the theme of this post and write on our up & down journey. Thanks!!
Can’t wait to read it if you do!
This is fascinating, and totally strikes a nerve. I TRY to remember that it’s like when something isn’t right and a customer complains–I’m being given a chance to learn, not rationalize what happened. The important result is they’re not happy and the why really is irrelevant. Not an easy thing to keep front of mind…
Related to the hesitation–that’s also super relatable. I’ve found nothing totally stops the train at the station than if Katie has to determine if my head is in the game, if I’m actually with her. One of the things that makes me cringe is hearing “Well you seemed too tired/in the zone/grumpy/whatever so I dropped it.” Just a reminder of how this is NOT a one-way street, and she’s constantly reacting to feedback I may not even be aware I’m giving.
Constant effort and energy, indeed.