Improvement (not as in home-improvement)

Improvement is a tough one. It’s hard to talk about improving something with this thing we do, without making it all mechanical and such. At least, for me that’s the case.

At the same time, it can be really effective over time – you may look back in the future at how, why or when you did “this or that” and realize just how much things have changed. Here’s a quick look at how I try to keep this all swimming around my head.

open sockets during repair at home
Photo by Ksenia Chernaya on

To me, improvement is about the small stuff – the smaller, the better. I seem to really get caught up in my underwear about the more complex things, then I get frustrated with it, and the improvement goes flying out the window.

A few things that have worked for me (YMMV) –

  • Start FAR more simply than you think you need to. We applied this to chastity, to D/s, to impact play, all of it. It’s just too crazy if you think about “OMG, I want to do this and this and this and we’ll put these 5,462 rules in place and, and, and…”
    It’s just too much to manage and you’ll feel like it’s just never going to work. So start small. Starting DD? Great! How about 1 session. With no rules from the receiver (aside from safewords and feedback of course) – just let the giver do their thing. Let them try … something.
    For me, the next time… the improvement might be to be able to accept more without panicking, to give better feedback to be more open to aftercare. Whatever small tweak I can make.
  • Don’t pile on a bunch of expectations. I believe that with D/s, the joy really is in the journey. I can’t begin to tell you how many times we’ve been surprised by something working, or not working, as we expected. “Wow, that was… FUN!” or “BORING!!!” Don’t do this big “we’ll build a 14 story dungeon, straight down in the dirt under the house. It’ll be amazing!”
    But start. That’s the important part. Play. Enjoy. Try things. Tweak them. Lather, rinse, repeat.

In both of these, you’ll get things you want to do better at. I’m still learning to accept the impact play pain. I’ve read about it – online and in books – tried different things. Sometimes they even work! But try things. Recognize when you can make little changes that, if they work out for you, can *stick* and really add up.

You’ll be amazed at the movement forward – the improvement – as you pile on the tiniest of things.

Then, momentum kicks in – you start to see big things fall into place. New things to play with, new things to try, new things to get rid of. You’ll love seeing the improvements accumulate and seeing the difference you can make.

And that’s an improvement you can really grin at.

4 thoughts on “Improvement (not as in home-improvement)”

  1. Slow and steady wins the race! Okay…I know this isn’t a race, but taking your time is the name of the game. I like your advice to avoid rules in the beginning and just let them try things, so you can find out what works.

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