Charmer’s Thoughts on Balancing Needs

Needs. Wants. How to figure out which is which and even more important, how to balance it all.

I wish I had a good answer on how I do it. I don’t think that I do it all that well at times. I think that I confuse my own wants and needs quite often. I might think it’s a need, but is it? Or do I just want it so much that I think that I need it?

I guess after a lot of years together, Snake and I balance our needs pretty seamlessly. Most of the time, anyway. There’s a lot of taking turns on supporting each other and it is usually pretty intuitive. It’s almost like a dance where you really aren’t sure of the steps but the music pulls you along together.

Of course there are clashes. One person feels like they need more or have given too long and feel discounted or taken advantage of. Hurt feelings and anger need to be resolved so that the balance can be restored.

But, we aren’t on a teeter-totter. Balance isn’t equal. Sometimes he needs more or I need more. And that’s life and the way it should be. We balance each other out and know that what we give at one point will come back to us at another. It might not be next week or soon. It might not look even remotely the same.

That’s as a couple, though. When there is extended family or friends or work, the balance becomes exponentially more complicated. He might see that someone “needs” this, while I see it as a want. When these issues come up, it is so much more difficult to resolve. Do I stand by and watch as I see someone use him when he thinks they need something? And even more complicated, does he need my support even if I strongly disagree with it? Where are my needs in this equation?

I don’t know the answers. We’ve spent years trying to find some. I guess the only answer that we ever have is that it depends. Sometimes it is better to support. Sometimes it is better to push my thoughts. Sometimes we argue loudly about what is right. And sometimes one of us gives in and resents it for a bit.

Photo by Jasmine Wallace Carter from

The only thing that we do know is that this balancing dance will go on. We will move across the floor, missing the occasional cue, tripping on the dress, running into someone else, but together. Because the balance is never stagnant, but our love is important and the struggle is worth it.

16 Replies to “Charmer’s Thoughts on Balancing Needs”

  1. (If this posts twice my computer sucks and gave me an error and doesn’t show it for me so I apologize if it does)

    I think our minds are interlinked somehow lately. I just wrote a post on how I think being dominant can be heavy and it includes of course having to balance needs. I refer to D/s as a dance as well. I think we all confuse our wants with needs. We can want something so badly we feel we need it. I follow you because your self-awareness and your love and passion for him as your partner and your submissive, among other reasons. Everyone stumbles, but you’re doing great.


  2. I love your post. I used to take dance lessons, was terrible, toe-tripping, the whole nine-yards, but the time I spent with my dance partner, just as friends, was the best time we had. Neither one of us knew exactly what to do, which make laughing together easy. There were no awkward moments between us, because we were awkward as a pair. I love the analogy. xoxo

  3. This is exactly as a good relationship should be. The ebbs and flows and give and take…ups and downs, etc. all join to create the right balance (enough of the time) to keep both partners upright. We don’t always get it right, and sometimes we argue, but we stay on the floor and don’t give up.

    Such a lovely explanation of how your relationship works!

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