It’s really interesting to see how D/sFLR stuff takes hold with different partnerships. If you read up about FLR at a fantasy level, it’s all about controlling the /s/ partner, and the /s/ partner being “forced” to do x, y or z if things go wrong.
Lifestyle D/sFLR switches things up a bit, and you see people posting about everything from “these are the things I’m demanding from my Dom(me)” to “I’m completely passive in this and just do what I’m told.” It’s a huge spectrum and, to be true to it all, it’s whatever you need it to be.
I’ve seen more and more couples posting (let’s face it, I read more about Domme-related than Dom-related, so you’ll have to pardon my references where I goof up – with any luck, it should still make sense though) where they got into it for kink and play and then decided to expand it – because he wanted her to be in charge, to have things her way, to have her make choices, etc. Pretty common FLR stated goals.
Then, down the road, she’s not doing it quite right. So he offers helpful pointers. He puts out the rules, offers up “ideas” and makes suggestions about how to make things better. But this is where I stumble in reading these through. Not in a “high and mighty one-true-path” type of thing but from a perspective of my needing a bit of a bitch slap at times to remind me how this all boils down.
I have to work to correct my approaches so that they’re in line with what makes it work for her. Then things start to click and the D will start to feel up to exploring. Trying new things. And the rub? Those things might not be anything at all like the /s/ expected, or even thought they needed. They might be different, they might be more, might be less. I can almost promise that, as the relationship matures to the liking of the Dominant partner, that things will grow and take on their own paths. Things you probably could never see coming.
We’ve kept some pretty copious notes behind the scenes in the old snake den. I have to say that I’ve screwed up more than I’ve been good in many areas. But in those times when there is a good and respectful and honest and open and trusting and … thing going on, where I am able to keep my shit together and feed her inner D, it’s amazing to watch things jump forward in leaps and bounds.
That which had its roots in kink. In bondage and play and all of that, has expanded greatly in many ways in our lives. It’s not perfect, it never will be, but those flaws are so much a part of this all too.
And, frankly, it’s nothing like I would have done it. I would have steered and cajoled and pushed and pulled and demanded and suggested… all things that, if you think about it, make the D question their methods, desires, wants and their own needs.
Instead, hers and our life model overall satiate us both. Even though they are so much different from where we started, where we thought we were going, our “roots” if you will, they’re so much more solid now that we’ve let things grow and become what they are.
It’s because she was able to forge ahead in her own ways and explore her boundaries while all along pushing mine, all in her way. Not mine.
3 Replies to “When the FLR takes root…”
I agree there is a wide range of circumstances and situations which makes it very difficult to generalize. Certainly there are stereotypes and these are quite different for male subs than for female subs. The power dynamics you talk about need more attention. I don’t think its as one-sided as people believe at least those who believe the stereotypes.
Oh, how I cringe when I read “She should _________” and “If only she would __________, she would be a better Donne” type posts from submissive men! The minute anyone — ANYONE, but especially someone who is the /s in a relationship with me — starts giving me a list of “shoulds,” I shut down.
Tell me about *you* — what you like, what you’re curious about, what you’re afraid of, what your limits are, what you want to try, and why. Yes. Approach me that way, and listen when I share in kind. But DO NOT tell me what *I* should do.
A n y w a y
Re: It might not be anything like what you expected ~
I am very much for figuring out how something could work for me, and moving forward from there. The results can be surprising, especially where ‘kinky’ things are concerned. His idea of bondage/foot worship/spanking/water sports/insert-kink-here is often quite specific (and often overly simplistic or trope-ish); very rarely are my ideas in the same vein. So yeah, “not what he expected” definitely fits the bill. 😉
Others might think your relationship is not perfect, but as long as it’s perfect for you, it’s good. I cannot remember one moment that I have told my husband that he should do things differently… we just explored together.