There have been a few different posts by other bloggers lately talking about their desire to re-acquire that submissive feelings and attitude they crave. The blogs are extremely popular and are amazing resources. I have HUGE respect for these blogs and mean no ill-intent at all in this post. This is just my take and my thoughts on the topic.
I read these posts with great interest. I have to admit, I also read them and reacted one way initially, another way after having thought about it some more, and then have settled into a pretty surprising realization in yet another direction since. Talk about food for thought.
It’s has even lead to several discussions between Charmer and myself about this.
On the face of it, it seems like they’re demanding how they want their Dominant to act toward them. In my opinion, they’re essentially topping from the bottom on how they want the Dominant to act.
The general gist of the posts was talking about how their Domme (the lead posters are both male subs) needs to step up her declarations of power over them. They were saying that those displays of power (telling them what to do, being more clear on their dominance, etc.) were what they needed from the relationship so they could feel that submissive feeling.
For me, this is the wrong approach to getting this feeling of being the /s/ in the relationship. I have found that when I look for the guidance, for things like “orders” or more stringent interactions, while they’re there, it’s not where I draw my submissive energy from in the relationship.
I try really hard to draw my energy from her feelings, not her actions. If I’m doing everything I can to help out, to give her what she needs, etc, she’ll be in a great place. If I respond to requests quickly, always open doors, do all of those things (chivalry, helping, doing my part, taking things off her plate of stuff to be done), she’ll be happy with the help, happy with the situation. THAT drives my subbie buttons.
It’s not really her standing over me demanding things. It’s a feeling of knowing what I can do to help her. To do things for her. A perfect example is baths. I draw her bath, get her a drink, her kindle, make sure she has bath bombs, towels, etc. She gets time to read and I get time to get the bedroom ready for bed time. I draw a lot of /s/ energy from that, knowing that I just know how to help her.
I don’t think it’s the responsibility of the dominant partner to find things to demand. To find things to force their dominance on you about. I think it’s their place to indicate what they need, to deal with it if it’s not done (or done to their liking), and to make decisions, choose direction, etc. Those are FLR and D/s things that are clearly in their wheelhouse. But I don’t think they have to constantly be looking for ways to flex their muscles just to generate /s/ feelings for the submissive partner. I think that’s unrealistic.
Again, this is just my experience, but it’s important to draw energy from their feelings, not their actions. How do they feel? How do they like how you’re doing things, how things are set up? You can draw incredible energy from that and I think that’s a much better place to get the energy.
I saw a post a while ago where one person was coaching another just getting rolling with D/s dynamics. The important take-away was one quote that “it’s not about you.” (paraphrased) – it’s not about the submissive partner, me. It IS about the dominant partner, in my case, her. I have to keep that in mind, and keep that as my goal. Then, when I succeed at that goal, I get the reward of the wonderful submissive warm and fuzzies.
5 Replies to “Submission, and Demanding More From Your Dominant Partner”
I wrote a really long comment, but don’t have time to think about it right now to make sure it says what I mean. I’ll take another run at it later (I might post a response on my blog :)).
I wrote about this very subject recently. As a former master, I have a couple of decades of experience in the dominant role. While most don’t mean to do it, submissives can become energy drains very easily. As you point out, they frequently want to “help” their dominants to be better at dominating them. This all falls into the same bucket as enforced chastity fantasies where the caged male has this wild one-way sex life with his keyholder.
My position on this, both as a top and now as a bottom, is that it is the submissive’s responsibility to do things that make him feel submissive. He should be giving “gifts” of time and work to his dominant. As a dominant, if I had to make lists of things for my slave to do, then she was becoming more work than I needed. After all, I could hire a maid to do all that stuff and I wouldn’t have to micromanage the process.
I think you are on the right track. Just do things for her. She will let you know if she doesn’t like something. That’s her job. Make her life as easy as you can. I don’t think I am submissive the way you are. I may not be submissive at all. But I figure that it is up to me to find ways to make things easier for my lioness. Right now I can’t do that financially, but I can use my extra time to do the laundry, cook dinner, and clean as best I can (I’m very allergic to dust). It just doesn’t seem right for me to tell her what *she* has to do to make *me* a better submissive. That is my job.
Even in a lifestyle situation like ours, D/S is not a 24/7 continuous process. It is dessert. You get it when she has the time and energy and thinks you deserve the play. I don’t consider the work I do around the house as service to her at all. To me, it is doing my part to make our life better. I would do all of it with or without FLR. I guess that’s my point: be honest with yourself, wouldn’t you do all those nice things for Charmer even if she weren’t your keyholder and dominant? I hope you would.
Of course the short answer is “yes” I’d do the things I do. I will say, however, that it’s given me an excuse to do MORE, and her the chance to be OK with it.
BUT, what has changed is the FLR piece – the control over decisions and direction is much more defined and much broader now. Even though, as she mentioned, our lives have been leaning in that direction for quite some time, now it’s much more defined and much more “all the time” for us.
But yes, to your point, I’d do things for her D/s or not, FLR or not. This just makes it more structured I suppose, and it gives her a chance to enjoy it without worrying that she’s putting me out or whatever else it might be called.
I agree with you. In fact, I wrote a long post about this for tomorrow morning. We seem to be thinking about the same stuff.